Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Pain of Being You...

I rarely make posts on my blog very personal. I tend to keep them about my business and things that interest me. BUT sometimes I need a place to put my thoughts down on "paper" so to speak, and this is one such moment. It's a post for me, a cleansing, purging, release of sorts....

It's a new year and I don't know what to expect from this year. I've had a few years that have been a struggle, but I've managed. I have a wonderful, supportive Husband who believes in me no matter what and at the end of the day, I couldn't ask for more. I have a daughter who loves me. We get a long well, but she is a teenager and as such, we do have our moments! But at the end of the day I never question that she loves me.

I Do have some very good friends, most of whom live hundreds, if not thousands of miles away from me. We keep in touch and they are the kind of friends that are timeless.. we can talk once a month or twice a year, no real time passes between conversations. I am eternally grateful for these people in my life.

What I no longer have is a decades old friendship, the "best" friend. Life has a funny way of working sometimes. I don't know if we change, or we realize who we really are and become comfortable in our own skin. It's hard to pin point where a relationship changes and why it becomes unfixable. I guess when you stop really knowing one another... I can't find a place to blame.. Just sadness at the loss. I feel the damage is done and feel it is truly irreversible. Not that I wouldn't give a limb for my friend back, but I think I lost my friend years before our friendship truly ended. Slowly, bit by bit. A lack of understanding developed and a gap in communication formed. Eventually it just became too much of a gap to straddle and one side had to say, I can't do this anymore.

I've always been who I am today, I am just a lot more comfortable in being ME. I am not afraid to be who God made me to be. I think it's so easy to think you know people and who you think they should be. When we grow, it can stretch those around us, if they aren't comfortable with who you are or who they think you should be, they can become uncomfortable with you... Sad really...Very sad.

Words cannot express the loss I feel, almost daily. A friendship that spans over three decades has a person interwoven into the fabric of your life. You DON'T just walk away unaffected. It stings for a VERY long time. I think I will always mourn the loss. I don't know that I will ever replace the void that is left. I don't know that I want to.

I miss you. I am not angry with you, I never was. I was hurt, probably still am to some degree. I wish you could have understood me. I know you have your own issues going on in your life right now and I am sorry for the pain of all that it brings. I hope you find peace and happiness. I do still love you very much.

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